We agreed to take 6 months to process our grief, get back to date nights and simply live without doctors appointments, injections, and living according to the fertility clock. The 6 months lasted 9 months but it was the time we needed.
We did amazing things over the last 9 months. We traveled to California to watch our oldest niece graduate from high school! We spent a week in the Outer Banks with family digging in the sand, dipping our toes in the water and savoring the squeals of laughter from Raina and her cousins. There were many days of just being present, laughing until my face hurt, eating endless bowls of ice cream, playing at the park, going to the pool, snuggling on the couch and drinking wine. Did I mention I could drink again!
There were also many days of tears. There were many days of feeling like I failed. There were many days of feeling like the journey to expand our family was over. There were many days of dreading to hear the next pregnancy announcement. There were many days of feeling numb. And there was the day that I gave away my leftover fertility drugs to a friend walking the same path. Yes, giving away the extra drugs is huge and yes completely legal.
It was not all doom and gloom — but it was raw emotion. Even today, 10 months later there are days that the emotions are overwhelming and I feel the profound loss. For those of us that have traveled this journey we would probably all say that it never goes away and simply becomes a piece of who we are.
I am better because of the journey. I am thankful for the friendships that have come from the fertility club. I am a more patient mommy. I am less judgmental and much more aware of what I say to others. I have learned to never ask if a friend is going to have a baby, or have a second baby. If they want to share — I am here to listen. But the pain of being asked that question brings all the loss back to the surface. I am thankful for the lessons fertility taught me, and I promised you the journey was not over.
I sat in an adoption class this past winter and a phrase I heard that day has never left my heart. “Adoption begins with loss.” Yes it does and the loss is on multiple sides. But our journey of loss will now become a journey of love and expanding our family through adoption.
I am thrilled to announce this blog will now focus on our journey to adopt a child from India. The process is underway with the initial paperwork being submitted to our agency last week. We are incredibly thankful for the support from everyone that surrounds us. We know this journey will also come with challenge, but our hearts are open.