I settled comfortably in a black hole for sometimes minutes, hours and many times days on end.  I focused on Raina and Ketan and was lucky if my clothes matched from day to day.  The sun seemed to hide behind the clouds, rain and snow were more common and the days were just cold.  They say that time heals, but frankly that is bullshit.  Time just teaches you to live with the grief.  And while everyone forgets and goes on with life — I am still stuck in the black hole with the pain.

The moment I began to climb out was a conversation with Ketan.  It was one of those dark weeks for me that was spent crying and hopeless.  He said that friends had asked how I was doing.  He paused.  And he said:  “but you know through this whole thing, no one asks how I am doing.” I stood silent with a lump in my throat and knot in my stomach.  The man that has been my rock was dealing with his own grief.

We agreed to take 6 months to settle back into our lives, have date nights, enjoy Raina — and simply live our lives without doctors and needles and medications and procedures.  And that happened.

Then a letter arrived from the Women’s Institute on Thanksgiving weekend.  In short the letter told us that we had to have the paperwork notarized and back to them in 30 days so the embryos could be “discarded” and to avoid storage fees of our embryos.  You see, we had 3 abnormal embryos still in the freezer at the hospital.  These embryos could never be transferred in the IVF process and sadly these little angels would never develop because of the genetic abnormalities.  But to receive a letter like this; with still no call from the doctor or nurse, was a complete blow to my healing process.  I again, climbed back into the black hole.

The holidays were hard.  The healing is a roller coaster.  The emotions are real and all over the board.  Most people did not know what to say.  We did not know what to say.  Silence was easier.

Counseling was not helpful — although I am a big fan since that is my background.  But I did not find it helpful to spend time on the past — I am ready to pick myself back up.  I had a hard time staying in that spot, I needed to move.

So I began to reach out to friends that have adopted children.  They were my lifeline to moving forward.  Thank you to those of you that met for coffee, lunch, an internet chat or email exchange.  You were throwing me a life preserver.

I took an adoption class last weekend.  The journey continues and so will this blog.

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